Waiting Game

I’m waiting on several important things to be decided this week, and it’s consuming every waking and non-waking thought. These are things that will directly impact the rest of my life and the lives of everyone in the house. The big one is spine injury related (because of course it is!) but not all of them are. To say it’s eating me up inside would be an understatement. To say I am able to commit my full attention to other things would be a lie. And yet, I have to try and pretend I’m doing just that.

There are still dinners to make, emails to write, small talk to have, uniforms to iron, and errands to complete. I realize that these things I’ve listed are important; these things are life happening, but it’s easy to lose sight of that when engulfed by waiting. These then become a bit of a burden, important contributions that seem small and meaningless in comparison. They are critical to the family and matter so much to me most other days, but this week it’s harder than ever to remember and embrace that.

I have the ability to make this type of waiting unbearable, disruptive, and harmful. I’m cycling through the different scenarios and my responses. What amounts to both doomsday prep and the best way to celebrate without letting my guard down–if it’s too good, there has to be a catch. Things could go as I hope, they could go terribly wrong, or what I’m realizing is a more common direction in life: I could end up in the middle and more confused than ever. But wallowing in waiting never makes me feel more prepared for what ends up happening. I already did all I could do to prepare, and now it’s time to let go. Let go and wait.

One of the greatest issues under the surface here is lack of control. There are things I had control over in getting to this point of waiting. A special checklist of small items for each big thing. I love this part because it’s tangible and controllable. I’ll get these items knocked out and then some. If there is any overachieving to be had or bonus” points to acquire, I’ll go after it. This is my way of trying to control the result as much as possible, even when uncontrollable. Maybe if I overshoot, I’ll land more comfortably than if I just gave this 100%.

So, I’m battling with how to get through this in one-ish piece. I was managing OK until yesterday. Somehow, the closer it all gets to resolving,” I’m increasingly aware that the work hasn’t even really begun. These decisions are just a launching point for even more action, more decisions, and more waiting.

This, of course, hasn’t been the first, nor will it be the last, time my life has been tied up and on hold, waiting for big things to play out. I guess the difference is that the stakes are higher than ever, and the path forward, regardless of the decision outcome, is unclear and scary.

I think I’ll spend today reminding myself that I just have to fully let go of these things that are up in the air for now. At least until they are back on the ground, and I can reach them and move in whatever direction I end up needing to.

See you tomorrow over breakfast.

February 13, 2024

A tiny project byJoni Trythall inspired by friends at Wiggle Work.